Is your heart at WAR

Dear Aditya,

"I'm really upset that you did that!"
"It seems that you just don't care!"
"Why can't you understand me?"

There's a certain energy that we all feel when we're caught up in conflict or tension with someone, whether it's a colleague, a family member, or even a stranger. It's that heavy, gnawing feeling in our chest, almost as though our heart has been hijacked.

This kind of thinking is what The Arbinger Institute refers to as having a "heart at war" in their book The Anatomy of Peace. A heart at war sees others as problems to solve or hurdles to overcome. It judges and distances itself, even subtly dehumanizing the other person.

If you are here too then you must also know the concept of 'a heart at peace'. When we shift our perspective, we begin to see the humanity in the other person. Instead of viewing them as obstacles, we see their fears, their dreams, their struggles. It really is about decoupling the person from their actions.

It reminds me of the old saying: Hate the sin, not the sinner.

But like many cool things, this is simple, but simple is not easy.

Yes, having a heart at war is really expensive, in terms of the cost it levies on every aspect of our lives, including our health.

Recently, I had a falling out with a close friend over something small, but it quickly snowballed. I could feel myself slipping into that mindset of seeing them as the problem, and my heart hardened in response. But as I sat with it, I thought about this idea that I had a choice, to either continue seeing my friend through the lens of conflict or to let go of the judgment, soften my heart, and try to understand what was really going on.

By letting my heart be at peace, and through active relaxation of my heart and body, I found clarity and was able to approach the conversation from a place of compassion rather than conflict.

The real challenge is to step back from our emotions, and ask ourselves:

Where is my heart right now?

Am I seeing this person as a human, or just as an obstacle in my way?

It's a practice. Just like learning to play the guitar is a practice. It requires reading, study, daily practice, and ideally someone who can support our progress.

I invite you to take a moment today to reflect on where your heart is in the various areas of your life. Is there someone you've been at war with in your mind? Could you make the conscious choice to move toward peace, even just a little?

In fratitude,
adi