A moment of clarity
Dear Aditya,
Most of us know this feeling:
I could have done more.
I could be more.
I could have more.
I could achieve more than where I am right now.
Most of us feel it, almost like background noise. I do too. And by itself, it's not a good feeling or a bad feeling. It's just… there. Sometimes it becomes inspiration. Sometimes it becomes heaviness. Same thought. Two completely different moods.
A few days ago, I had a flash.
It felt like a cool breeze blowing through sunshine. Like I'm suddenly sitting in the balcony of a valley-view room in Mahabaleshwar, surrounded by quiet, green certainty.
It was a moment of clarity. I could see. I could see where I had been, where I am, and where I want to be. I could see why I am where I am. And it didn't feel heavy. It felt clear. It felt light. It felt… good.
Have you ever felt this way? That sudden sense that it all makes sense? Not with drum rolls and fireworks. Just a subtle, gentle "oh."
So here's what I could see in that moment…
As a child, I picked up a few negative moments and clung to them. I kept repeating them. Reliving them. Somewhere along the way, I started believing: life is not easy.
I learnt to expect struggle. I learnt to tolerate friction and call it heroic. I learnt to dull pain. Work became "serious." Fun became "escape." Proving myself started feeling necessary.
In that moment, I could see how many thoughts and behaviours I've carried since I was a kid, and how many of them aren't serving me anymore.
I could see what was making me tired: Not being myself. Not being clear. Trying to protect someone else's feelings. Trying to be someone I thought the world would like.
Oh, what a vicious circle. And in that moment… I could see it all.
And what a peaceful moment it was.
Has my life changed after that moment? Haha, not really. And yet… it has. Something shifted. The moment has passed, but now I can see that I can see.
We all have moments of clarity. I decided to write about mine. I hope it touched something in you.
In fratitude,
adi