I know you wont open this mail from me

Dear Aditya,

There! I assumed you won't open my email and read this letter. Because I haven't heard from you about what I have written in the past… But I'm not the only one. We all do it, assume things. A problem arises, and suddenly our brains are busy constructing a web of assumptions. The tiniest miscommunication or uncertainty turns into something far larger than it actually is.

Research conducted in India by the Centre for Mental Health Law and Policy (2021) suggests that as much as 60% of Indian employees cited that their mental well-being suffered due to assumptions made about colleagues, clients, or superiors.

You don't communicate properly, YOU WILL SUFFER. Write this on a piece of paper and put it up in front of you.

The "Ladder of Inference" is a concept proposed by Chris Argyris, an organizational psychologist. It's a psychological model that explains how people leap to conclusions without checking the facts.

[Image: Ladder of Inference diagram from original email]

Let's use a scenario many of us are familiar with, living with parents, to understand this better.

Suppose you live with your parents and one day, you come home late from work. You notice your father isn't his usual talkative self. He's quiet at dinner, answers your questions with short replies, and goes to his room early.

You start feeling uneasy. You think, "Why is he being so weird, now what did I do?" Your mind starts spiraling.

Here's how you might have climbed the Ladder of Inference:
Selected Reality: You fixate on his quiet behavior during dinner, ignoring other possible explanations.
Interpretation: You interpret his silence as a sign that he's upset with you.
Assumptions: You assume that his mood must be linked to your recent behavior.
Conclusions: You conclude that your father is upset with you, even though he hasn't actually said so.
Beliefs: This leads you to believe that you're not doing enough to make him proud.
Actions: Based on these beliefs, you might avoid him or be defensive around him.

Moving Down the Ladder: After taking time to reflect, you talk to him. When you ask, he shares that he's been feeling tired because of some additional stress at work. He wasn't upset with you at all, he simply had his own concerns.

Bhishma, the patriarch of the Kuru family, remained silent at the public humiliation of Draupadi in the Kaurava court. He assumed that his interference would be misread, and he let the situation spiral out of control. In retrospect, Bhishma's silence, his untested assumptions about his role, caused more harm than good.

We all have our "Bhishma" moments, don't we? We assume we know what someone is thinking or feeling, and instead of clarifying it, we internalize our assumptions and act upon them.

Austin Kleon's "Log Jam" Technique: If you're ever feeling blocked by assumptions, imagine all of your mental blocks as logs stuck in a river. The flow is halted. The key to breaking the jam isn't to force it all out at once; it's to start by moving one log. Start with the smallest, easiest task or question.

Coaching Questions:
What assumption am I making right now that's complicating this situation?
What's one simple, clarifying question I could ask to test that assumption?

In fratitude,
adi